Wally's New Enterprise

(In another of his characteristic hard-hitting pieces, Yo'Doc, noted native healer and our consultant for natural affairs, takes on an herbalist wannabe.

(Actually, it's our old acquaintance Wally Wartnagel, the entrepreneur and avid seeker of the big score. We find the two in Wally's new store, "Herbs, Vitamins and More", and listen in on the exchange.)

Wally: Yo!, Yo', how's life treating you?

Yo': I do wish you'd stop using that greeting, Wally. It makes me seem so, I don't know, sort of like a ding-a-ling. Try something like, "Hi there, Yo', how's tricks? or "'Lo Yo', where you been lately?"

Wally: OK, you da man, Yo'. Welcome to my new enterprise, however you want me to say it. Looks like this one's gonna be my real winner, the old pie in the sky, long shot in the fifth at Hialeah, you name it.

Yo': What's so great about a place like this? All I can see is a bunch of baggies full of dry grass with stuff written on them. You don't even have shelves!

Wally: Don't need 'em. Check out the names on the bins. Right here we got your arthritis cures next to one for the nerves. That big blue one is chock full of weight losing stuff, mostly from China. I can get it real cheap from China. Got about a thousand percent markup on the stuff.

Yo': That seems like gouging, Wally. Doesn't anyone complain?

Wally: Naw, these customers are already firmly established as the best "marks" in the world. They'll buy anything that says "Natural" or "Ancient Chinese Remedy" on it. I got a stamp that says that, and it goes on every single bag, even the ones from Chile. And it's all cash business, no insurance, money up front, right in the old till.

Yo' (Heavily into sarcasm): My goodness, it must make you feel great to be providing such a service to mankind. Do you sleep well?

Wally: Never better. Hey, if somebody wants to unload their purse on me, who am I to refuse? Besides, if they don't spend it here, they'll just go down the street to Ginny's Guru Shoppe and get the same stuff.

Yo': I've read that some of the Chinese "diet" pills have all sorts of dangerous ingredients, like fenfluramine and thyroid hormone. You know anything about that?

Wally: What am I supposed to be, some kind of DOCTOR? Besides, if the US Congress doesn't care if this junk is regulated or not, who am I to complain?

Yo': Wally, some people are dying, and a lot of others are getting ill while taking these herbs and "supplements." Where in the world is your sense of responsibility? Don't you think the FDA or some agency like it should oversee this business? It's dangerous as can be!

Wally: Don't blame me! Nine out of ten senior citizens can't be wrong, can they? Plus, if our lobbyists play their cards right, we'll get our stuff covered by Medicare. Then it's Katie bar the door, I'm off to the Bahamas with planeloads of money. There's billions in the vitamin - herb - supplement business, and I plan to get mine!

Yo': Wally, you put me in mind of something I can put into just a few words. Let's see, for starters how about avaricious, scheming, dishonest, amoral, cheating and slimy.

Wally: Sounds to me like the qualities that make a perfect CEO. I always wanted to be one of those, and now I am one!

Yo': I'm leaving now. I've heard that second hand scum is bad for one's mental health, and I don't want to take unnecessary chances.