Time To Check The Mirror

We need to get to the bottom of this, and quickly!

Latest plastic surgery craze: Augmentation of the derriere, using fat extracted from elsewhere.

(Ed. Note: From the world's center of plastic surgery, Brazil, where they alter body parts at an astounding rate, comes a procedure which can make a person look like the north end of Jennifer Lopez heading south. We sent out our native consultant, Yo'Doc, to investigate similar activities in the USA. His report follows.)

"Upon being given this assignment, I decided to take my investigation to the center for unusual plastic procedures in this country, Wally Wartnagel's Plastic Alterations and Fat Redistribution Farm. Wally was generous enough to grant us an interview, as recorded below."

Wally: "Hidey Ho, Yo', whassup?"

Yo': "Hidey, Wally. I'm here to get the story on your latest commercial move. What can you tell me about it?"

W: "You mean the fat thing? Well, if you'll recall, some time back, that on-line magazine you work for did a story on how it isn't possible to change your body shape by selective exercise - you know, can't create a six-pak out of a jelly donut, that sort of thing. When Wilma saw that, she said, 'Wally, why don't we get into the plastic surgery business? It can't be too hard, can it? I mean, look at all that liposuction stuff. Just stick in a tube and turn on the vacuum, right? There's a whole lot of unhappy people out there with too much in places they don't want it."

"Well, when she said that, my 'great idea light bulb' came on full bore. I'd just read that lots of, uh, flat-butted people are having their glutei pumped up with one thing and another. Why not save the fat we slurp out of 'em one place and pump 'er back into the rear? We could set up the world's first fat bank. I mean, what's so hard about storing the stuff?"

Yo': "For openers what about sterility, and fat turning rancid, things like that?"

W: "Got it covered, my man. Here's what we did. We rented the old ice-house down by the river, been empty for years. After we cleaned it up some, I got some whiskey barrels, pretty cheap when you buy a bunch. We didn't even have to clean 'em out - that whiskey made the wood sterile enough."

Yo': "That's getting kind of gross, Wally. Isn't there some watchdog agency that makes you take better care of stored body parts? At least, keep them odor-free?"

W: "Listen, this is like the health-food business. No one seems to care much what we do, as long as we pay taxes from time to time. Now, back to the procedure we set up. We harvest the fat from, say the belly region or the thighs, and plop it into the barrels which are standin' by. One barrel can hold up to seven lipo-suckings, depending on the size of the lipo-suckee."

Yo': "Stop! You're making me sick! Can't you clean up the syntax?"

W: "I thought you were some kinda doctor. You guys aren't supposed to get sick over anything."

Yo': "Yeah, well this one does. OK, what do you do with the fat once it's in the barrel?"

W: " We got a few options, but the best one is to save it for future use by our Special Augmentations Division. The barrels of fat go into the ice-house, and get covered with sawdust and ice we cut from the pond out back. Works great. Haven't lost a barrel yet, although the last one Wesley opened had a faint odor that wasn't all Jack Daniels."

Yo': "Did you throw it out?"

W: "Thought about making a batch of soap, 'til Wilma came up with the idea we could charge more for it. Marketing, it's called. 'Our special fat injections are better because they're aged, just like fine whiskey!' Short and catchy, won't lose the audience."

Yo': "Wally, do you lame-brains really think you can make saggy-pancake rears look like JLo? What if they come out all lumpy, like bad gravy?"

W: "Got a machine that takes care of that - it's called the 'Wartnagel Rock and Roll Fat Smoother'. It works on the principle that you can shove the stuff around anywhere if you apply the right forces. Patients come out looking just like, well, a baby's bottom. Can't ask for more than that, can you?"

Yo': "You do this with a machine? Doesn't it hurt? What about bruises?"

W: "Some of this is a corporate secret, you understand, but I can tell you some of the parts, just not how they go together, OK? The Fat Smoother has the following components: Five washing machine rollers, an air compressor, two bicycle chains, twenty feet of rubber hose, the gears from a '37 Chevy, three storage batteries, and twenty yards of unbleached duck-cloth. You oughta see that baby GO!"

Yo': "You didn't answer my questions about pain and bruising. Are you avoiding an embarrassing issue?"

W: "Well now, people who even THINK about having their butts fixed are already some distance out in left field, know what I mean? They aren't likely to complain too much, just like they don't get upset about our fee schedule."

Yo': "You have different prices? Why?"

W: "It's the old story - No insurance covers 'cosmetic' surgery, so it's whatever the traffic will bare, Katie bar the door, sky's the limit."

Yo': "Good old generous Wally, you haven't changed a bit in the years I've known you. Ever have any dissatisfied customers?

W: "Now you mention it, there was a slight problem with one CEO. Wesley forgot to turn off the pump during the input part of the procedure. Consequently, whenever the guy sits at his desk, he has a tendency to roll significantly to the right or left, depending on the direction of the jet-stream. Never could figure that one out, why the jet-stream could affect the behavior of a, well, of a billiard ball. You got any ideas?"

Yo': "Yes, I have one. I think you're nuts."

(Interview concluded at 2:05 PM)