A Cookoff

But what's cooking?

(Ed. Note: We asked our native consultant, Yo'Doc, to attend the First Annual Wartnagel Tofu Cook-off held recently in our county. The following is his report on the event.)

Arriving at the scene of the cook-off, I sought out Mr. Wartnagel, whose community spiritedness and entrepreneurial bent have become legendary in this area. I spied him at a roped-off area near the barn on his property, and approached, microphone in hand. Here's what we heard:

Wally Wartnagel: Ladies and gentlemen, we're about ready to announce our winners in the first event of its kind to be held anywhere in the civilized world, and Wilma and I couldn't be more pleased!

Crowd: Yay, yay! Let's hear it for Wally and Wilma!

WW: OK, Ok, that's enough. Now, how about putting 'em together for our friend Yo'Doc, the man who will be the judge of our entries!

Crowd (delirious): Yo', Yo' (Ed: YoYo?) , he's our man, if he can taste it, anybody can!

Me(Yo'): Hold on there all of you, I never --

WW: Sure you did, Yo', back in July of last year, you said you enjoyed unique experiences and had exotic tastes. Now c'mon over here and start TASTING!

(Yo'Doc speaking: From here on, it's me and the winning contestants.)

Me(Yo'): Well, let's start with the winner in the children's division. I guess that would be you, honey, right? Tell us your name and the identity of your, uh, tofu creation.

Amanda: By dabe is Abadda, and eved whed I hab a bad cold by bobby lets be cook if I dode drop kleedex id the food. So today I bade by favorite tofu ice creab code thed I rolled it in powdered sugar ad cocodut. Here, have a bite. You chicked or what?

Me(Yo') (grimacing): Dobody - I mean NObody calls me chicken, little girl. Here, gimme that thing - (taking a bite and chewing) Uh, these crunchy things seem a little crispier than I've ever had. What are they, Amanda?

A: Those little browd thigs? Oh, they got od there whed I dropped the code od the way over here, ad it rolled id the dirt. You should have wiped it off like by bobby does whed I drop food ad other thigs.

Me(Yo') (gagging): Water, quick! Lots of it!

(Brief timeout)

Me(Yo'): Well who do we have in the professional category? Saralee? You're holding an interesting looking dish. Tell me about it.

Sara: Oh I'm just SO excited to finally meet you, look at me, I'm like splitting my infinitives and all, and this is the high point of my life so far!

Me(Yo'): Ok, Sara, I understand. Many people react that way. So what's in there, a casserole dish is it?

Sara (proudly): This is something I've worked on for weeks. It combines the nutritive goodness of whole natural unbleached tofu plus all of the ingredients of the new portfolio diet, that's the one that really lowers the old cholesterol.

Me(Yo'): Just what are those ingredients, Sar? Fresh fruits and whole grains, I bet.

Sara: Well you'd just be surprised Mr. Yo'Doc - or is it Dr. Yo'Doc - or maybe Doc Yo'Doc? Wow, that's really funny, isn't it? Woops, forgot where I was headed with this. You wanted to know some portfolio ingredients, right? OK, there's eggplant for starters, then lots of okra, and oh, I don't know, a whole bunch of other wierd stuff. Just wander down the produce aisle to where nobody else goes, and that's where you can find it all.

Me(Yo'): Sort of like "leavings" you're telling me? Ingredients with names only a Chinese cook recognizes?

Sara: So? It's good for you and your heart. Have a taste. Here's a spork you can use.

Me(Yo'): A spork? What's a spork? Oh, I see, kind of a combination. Why is that?

Sara: That's for getting all of the runny part along with the firmer things.

Me(Yo'): Ha Ha! Don't want to miss out on the runny, do we? (Tasting)

Sara: Well, whatcha think? Pretty darn tasty, isn't it?

Me(Yo') (tasting): Hmm. Just tell me one thing, Sara. How in the world did you get your father to eat this?

Sara: Oh, he didn't ever actually eat any. He said he'd like to someday, but right now the dog looked awfully hungry, so he gave all of his serving to Prince. Let him lick it right off the plate!

(Interview ends with a long splutter.)