One Sick Llama

Yo' demonstrates another skill

Some of you may not be aware that Yo'Doc, our native healer and consultant, holds degrees from multiple schools of medical practice, including some devoted to non-human pursuits.

At one of these, high in the Peruvian Andes, the emphasis is on that odd and lovable group of beasts typified by the lovable llama (also including the alpaca and guanaco). One of the more curious things about the llama is the pronunciation of its name. Should we say, "Come here, Yama", or, "Luh-luh-ama, stop that atrocious spitting"? Take your pick, the llama probably couldn't care less.

Well, anyway, when Yo' got the call that one of GoGoMama's llamas was under the weather, he grabbed his bag of doctoring tricks and was off to the farm. It was a considerable distance from his usual office setting (under a tree in the town square), so Yo' , never having mastered the fine points of driving, had to take a cab. Since there were no cabs in town at the moment, he had to wait for one from the next community over the hill. As this was a three hour wait, it was a stroke of good luck that the llama wasn't in V-Fib.

Arriving at GoGoMama's place, Yo'Doc asked after the patient. GoGoMama, choosing diplomacy over vulgarity, allowed as how the beast, named Llama Bahma, was still hanging in there but losing ground. He happened to be her prime male, or as llama breeders refer to them affectionately, "the dahma bigga llama". During this particular season she could not easily afford loss of his, uh, presence. "But, the symptoms --?", asked Yo'. Blushing prettily, GoGoMama replied that she would tell him, but he'd have to turn his head while she did. This was in order to avoid extreme embarrassment. For her, and maybe him, too. Yo', eager to get the show on the road, turned all the way so that his back was facing GoGoMama. She then spoke.

"There is a little known fact concerning these creatures, and that is their position in the pecking order is based on their ability to spit straight and long. Ever since he was a wee one, Llama Bahma showed me he was gonna be a winner. Why, one time, he couldn't have been more than a few months old, he let one fly that took us all aback. I mean like really, we all had to jump back a long ways, and my foreman was a bit slow and kinda unlucky, you know?

"Anyway, the years passed, and Llama Bahma perfected his skill, and first thing you knew, he was the stud duck llama, so to speak. Compared to him, all the other males in the herd were like old retired baseball players, if you've ever seen those guys you know what I mean, why they can barely get it over their chin on a calm day for goodness sake! Where was I? Oh yes, I remember now, it's Llama Bahma's spitter that's out of whack. He looks like Don Zimmer sitting in the dugout holding a little bitty spit can, acting like no one's watching but the TV usually gets him right at the moment of truth and there it is for everyone on God's green earth to see. And now it's my big guy, and it's breaking my heart! He walks around all day kind of gurgling and looking sad."

Yo' said, "Ah, just let me take a peek and we'll see what's up. If you'd just hold his head there, right, just like that, now get that big hankie between him and me, please. Yes, that's it. Hmm. What have we here? Looks like a big piece of pink bubble gum stuck between his two upper front incisors. Why sure, that's what it is, I - I - got it! Now turn him loose and let's see how he does."

The llama shook his magnificent head a few times, made an odd sound in his throat that was like a toilet flushing in reverse, and then his eyes crossed. "Look out!", cried GoGoMama, "I think he's fixed!", and they all ran for cover, as Llama Bahma worked up a good one and let 'er fly. Oh my goodness gracious, he was "fixed"! Like Michael Jordan from half court, nothing but net!

Yo'Doc has asked us to design a special hood for him to wear over his head and upper body, should he ever be called to GoGoMama's place again. We agreed that it would be a good idea.