Native Doctors Are Restless

How Can We Defend Against Their Attack?

Based on information gleaned from websites known to be used by a particularly fractious group, the Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat of a terrorist attack from yellow to red, naming as possible perpetrators a large number of US physicians.

According to an un-named source, the chatter has taken the form of, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore! I quit Medicare and Medicaid, will expect upfront cash for all visits, and all my friends are going to do the same!”

We sent our ace investigator, Yo’Doc to get to the impact, if any, in this story, and he came back with the following interviews of prominent citizens:

Statement of Ima Flaming Liberal, healthcare policy wonk and well rounded guru: “I’ve said for a long time that the doctor of the future will be a robotic device into which one inserts a hand, gets scanned, gets diagnosed and gets treated on the spot. All done at one site in timely fashion, paid for by credit card issued by the federal government expressly for the purpose, and paid for by someone other than me. Who needs doctors?”

Statement of J. Edwards, sometime candidate for the presidency of the US, wealthy beyond belief from the proceeds of class action lawsuits against the healthcare system in general: “Whoa! They can’t just quit those programs. That would bankrupt me. When I’m elected, I’ll put ‘em in chains and make the b------ds work.”

Statement of R. Giuliani, former mayor of large US city, also in the race for president: “I’m the only candidate who has experience dealing with this sort of attack, plus don’t forget, I’ve been married three times and divorced a couple, and that gives me lots of experience in problem solving. Doesn’t it?”

From H. Clinton, who loves the idea of living in the White House again: “My first plan was my best, and those right-wing attack dogs tore it to shreds before it got off the ground. My new plan will keep the doctors happy by removing them totally from any decision making concerning their patients, compensating them generously using my new taxes on those wealthy SOBs who aren’t paying their fair share anyway, putting them in charge of ordering their own office paper clips and other essentials, providing them with their own ombudsperson (I have a slightly used spouse I’m considering for that position and I need to keep him away from the house staff), and piping soft new age music into their waiting and operating rooms along with vaporized Prozac and subliminal ‘I am very happy’ messages. I’ve read Geo Orwell, and this is a piece-of-cake no brainer.”

Last, statement from M. Huckaby: “What’s the problem? The earth is flat, we’re only a few years from the End Times, and after that, those of us in Celestial Splendor won’t care, and the rest of you won’t have a chance to complain about your doctor’s lack of availability. Oh, right, that’s the way you are now, isn’t it?”

Yo’Doc submitted his report, sank to his knees, and sobbed.