Racing For Glory

You're never too old to try new things.

Due to an extreme case of March Madness, the Editor has been unavailable this week. In his absence, Yo'Doc submitted the record of his second interview with the remarkable nonagenarian Estelle Lamborghini.

(The interview took place in Mz Lambo's residence, The Happy Times Senior Residence Community Where No-one Is A Stranger.)

Yo': Good morning, ma'am. Nice looking wheelchair!

Mz L: Thanks. It's the latest design, built for short-track racing. Take a look at how the inside wheel is a tad smaller than the other. This keeps you in the seat during cornering at high speeds, when the poor guys in the regular models are being pitched out by centrifugal force.

Yo': Short-track racing? I thought that was for ice skaters.

Mz L: Used to be, 'til Sammy La Bada and I adapted it for Senior Center Rec Halls. Took us a while to get permission from the administration,. but when they saw the revenue potential from ticket sales, they jumped right on board. Last week we had a crowd of over a hundred spectators. Not a bad haul at five bucks a pop.

Yo': How did the race come out?

Mz L: I was in the lead after 49 laps of a 50 lapper when my biggest rival, Birdie Cadwalader tried to take me on the inside. I moved over to cut her off and she gave me a whack with her footed cane (carried, I might add, in violation of ALL the rules) that broke my rhythm. Then she passed me just before the finish line.

Yo': Bummer! Any repercussions?

Mz L: Well, of course! We have judges to review the tapes and pick up on illegal stuff like that. After they looked at the monitor, they decided to DQ her, and gave me the victory. She fussed for a while, but then a nurse gave her a big whop of Valium and mellowed her right on down. For about three days, as a matter of fact, then she was back to mean again.

Yo': I've heard that senior patients don't tolerate drugs very well. You know anything about that?

Mz L: Well, of course. I never take 'em myself. If I need a pick up, I'll grab a handful of M and Ms, the ones with the peanuts inside. When I need to calm down, I just get one of the cats that wander around here and give 'em a good petting for 20 or 30 minutes. Works every time.

Yo': Animals can help to tranquilize just about anybody, can't they? I heard of a woman, about your age as a matter of fact, who keeps snakes for company. Says they make great pets, you know, hardly any noise, eat once a week, and when they slither over your bare arms and neck, it's a feeling like no other in this world! Puts her to sleep when the Sominex can't.

Mz L: I think I know the one you're talking about. She passed on as a result of a terrible calamity, a case of misplaced good samaritanism. Friend came to see her one day, and when he saw that snake coiled around her, he thought it was attacking her. So he grabbed its tail and pulled mightily. Unfortunately, this tied the snake into a Windsor knot around her neck, and the paramedics couldn't get it off in time.

Yo': Wow! Death by pet! By friendly pet!

Mz L: Very rare. Say, what are you doing here, anyway? Is this supposed to be an interview or what?

Yo': If it's just a chat, I don't get paid. So it's an interview - gotta keep the economy moving forward.

Mz L: Well, I usually give only one a year and this seems to be your second. Next time I'll call on YOU.

Yo': I'd like that. Nobody ever interviews the interviewer.

(Session over at 10:15 AM MDST)