Out With The Bad Behavior

And in with the good?

We asked our native consultant, Yo'Doc, to act once again as a roving correspondent. His assignment: A visit and an interview with the operator of our county's latest in a line of "tough-love" camps.

Armed with the knowledge that many of these have been abusive, and have failed in their assigned task, Yo' embarked on his task with, unfortunately, a rather negative attitude.

(The following is the full text report of his interaction with the camp owner / operator, Wallace Wartnagel:)

Yo': "Well, this is a surprise. Last thing I knew you were in the waffle house business. What led you to involvement with this operation?"

Wally: "Me 'n' the missus were just about burned out in the food business. Couldn't take another, "My waffle's soggy in the center, and I want a new one!" So when this place came on the market, we jumped right on it. 'Course, she's still a'cookin', but it's something other than those darn waffles. I'm the supervisor of operations and primary disciplinarian, so I don't have much time to help out in the kitchen. Pity."

Yo': "Yes, I'm sure you agonized over that division of the labors. Tell me what you expect to accomplish here. Just what's your mission?"

W: "We take people from all walks of life, all ages. Bring 'em out here with no distractions and encourage them to alter their reaction to life. Change their way of thinking about things. We employ the latest in behavior modification techniques, supplemented with animal therapy."

Yo': "Don't you mean 'pet therapy'?"

W: "No, I mean animal therapy. Some of the creatures we use may not be suitable for household pets. Take a look over there at that sorta chubby bald guy running around in the wire enclosure? Looks like there's a gorilla chasin' him? Well, here's the deal: he's in for chronic bullying. Stockholders sent him to us for attitude adjustment. What we arranged was a simple little 'choose the right lever' system. Get a reward, or maybe a non-reward, see what I mean?"

Yo': "Is this his 'reward'? Which lever did he push?"

W: "Actually, in his case, both levers would give him the same result. One was marked 'The Benefits of Being Nice' and the other 'Winning By Agression.' What we're doing with him is what he used to do to his employees. Kind of put him in a 'no-win' situation, which is where he is at this moment."

Yo': "You haven't told me which lever he pushed."

W: "Oh we never actually even let him push one. Wilma, that's my wife, sneaked out in the back of his pen and turned loose this big gorilla we keep. It likes bald fat guys. That's when the training session began."

Yo': "And what do you hope to accomplish?"

W: "That's a good question, Mr Yo' - or should I call you 'Doc? We don't have any idea where it will go, 'cause we're in our formative stage, so to speak. We got three video cameras recording all of his moves, and how the gorilla responds. If it turns out funny or exciting, we may submit it to that TV program that does the home videos."

Yo': "But I thought you were trying to improve human behavior with your camp. This seems more like a circus for one of the old Roman emperors."

W; "You'd be surprised how much this will improve that fellow's attitude. Kong nearly always gets results. Sometimes good ones. See those little signs posted out there? Fella just passed one of 'em? I put some of my best stuff on those signs, like, 'See, I told you it was better to treat people right' and 'Nobody loves a curmudgeon.'"

Yo': "Does he really have time to read that much? It seems to me he's going pretty fast. Look at that gorilla go, too. I'd hate to have him on my tail."

W: "Aw, you don't have to worry about old Kong. He ain't hungry - we feed him all the left over waffles we got in that big shed. Besides, he thinks it's a game, just wants to catch the guy so they can play together. See, there! He got him, and all he's doin' is --- Ooops!"

Yo': (Covering his eyes) "Tell me when the gorilla puts him down. That spinning around is making me dizzy."

W: "Hmm. Oh oh! Look out! Kong just turned him loose and he's a'flyin' this way!"

Yo': "I'll catch him - I- I got 'im!"
(Thud!)

W: "Gee, Mr Yo', you OK? Fella looks like he's got a strangle holt on ya."

Yo': "Oooph! Ungh! There, that shook him off. Why don't you see if his attitude has been properly modified."

W: "Hey there! You with the gorilla spit on you! You gonna change your evil ways or what?"

Patient: "Grrooaan! Whatever you want, I'll do it. Just don't send me back into that cage! You can have all my Enron stock, take it and leave me alone. I promise I'll be a good person from now on!"

W: "Well I'll be! Success! That's the first one."

Yo': "Not so fast, Wally. Didn't you know Enron is in the dumper?"

W: "No problema. I have his Lexus in my garage."

(Interview ends at 11:45AM)