Going To The Specialist

Or, you may not be able to get there from here.

Due to persistent pain in his hand, unrelieved by his "natural" techniques, our native consultant Yo'Doc gave in and visited his primary care doctor.

(His HMO, Grab-a Buck and Run, or GBR, had a restriction on visits to specialists, thus he was unable to go directly to the hand expert.) We asked him to record his experiences for learning purposes. Here is the full text of "Yo' vs the System":

Primary Care Doc (PCD): What seems to be the problem Mr. Doc? Or is it Mr Yo'Doc? What kind of a name is that anyway? Each time I say, "Yo!", all my staff comes running, so that's out.

Yo': As long as there's just the two of us, just look straight at me when you talk, and I'll know its me you're addressing. My "problem" as you put it, is that I can't seem to use my right thumb anymore. You know how you sort of swing it around in front of your fingers to pick up little things? I can't do that anymore, and I also can't blow my nose very well. And this is the allergy season, too!

PCD: Hmm. Let me have a look. Do this (demonstrates). OK, now do this (demonstrates again). My goodness, you couldn't do either one of those things. It appears that you have lost your opposable thumb.

Yo': My what thumb? Besides, it hurts right there on that side of my hand when I do things, like sand-painting for a long time.

PCD: That, too? Well that is interesting. To answer your question, an opposable thumb is what separates you from, say, seals, which have flippers with five digit-y looking thingys that aren't any good for picking up marbles but are great for swimming. Anyway, I think you have carpal tunnel syndrome, and I'm going to arrange for you to see the hand specialist.

Yo': I thought my HMO wouldn't allow that. You know, cost control and all that stuff.

PCD: (Laughing) Oh, I've got ways to get around those bozos. Let me introduce you to my referral specialist. Yo'Doc, meet Wesley Wartnagel, master of side-door entry, and computer hacker of the century.

Yo': Wesley! Last time I saw you was at your dad's place, dressed in a gorilla suit. Have you changed occupations?

Wes: Hidey Ho, Yo! Actually, I've been working part-time for the Doc here, helping with consultations. I still get in the old monkey suit from time to time, whenever the old man needs treatment for a tough customer. (Ed. Note: Some readers may not remember that Wes is employed by his family-run behavior modification clinic. To review that information, click on the link at the end of this page.)

PCD: Yes, well, let's get on with it. Wes, do your thing, and get YoYo here to the hand person as quickly as possible. The computer is already warmed up.

Wes (at computer): Click! Tappity Tap! Buzz! Ok, here we are at the mainframe of the HMO, just let me get into this file here--- Right! Got it! Now, you say you need to see the hand guy? Let's click on your file, then this "referral approved" field. There, that should take care of it.

Yo': Impressive. What if I say I'd like to go to Mayo Clinic. Can you do that for me.

Wes: No es problema! Just watch. (Click, clickety, clack, buzz) There, let's see what comes up now. Woops, wait just a sec, that's an odd looking screen. Says "Department of Defense, Classified, President's Eyes Only. Unwarranted access punishable by death due to computer implosion!" Maybe I can get out if I click right here --- Oh no, look at it now -- "Launch sequence begun, T minus 10 minutes and counting!"

Yo': This computer stuff is 'way beyond me. Do I have my appointment at Mayos yet?

(Phone rings.)

PCD: Yes? OK. Wesley, there's a man on the phone who says he's with the FBI. Wants to know if you are on line at this moment? Are you?

Wes: Tell him I'm not even here. Tell him I've never been here, and that I'm the guy in the gorilla costume entertaining the kids at the Mall. Here, Yo'Doc, you sit down in this chair and play with the computer a while. I have to run. See you -o-o-o!

Yo': Well, OK, but I certainly can't guarantee I won't foul it up. Oh look, now it says, "T minus 30 seconds and counting." What does that mean?

PCD: It means you probably won't get your referral. Listen: the computer's playing some music!

Computer: "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when --"

(Loud staticky noise; tape ends.)