America's Favorite Pastime

And how it's being modified.

(Editor's Note: Recent allegations of widespread use among professional baseball players of performance enhancing drugs led to our assignment of one of our staff to cover the story.

(Yo'Doc seemed to fit the bill nicely, due to his long-time love of all games. We found him watching a group of kids playing marbles, and asked him if he would take a break and go to the ball park. He said, "Sure, I'll take a break and go to the ball park, but you'll have to keep my place here 'til I get back." We assigned a staff stringer to that task, and freed up the famous healer and native consultant for bigger things. His report, in its entirety, follows.)

(Arriving at the Uptown Covered Palace Of Swat, Yo'Doc was taken to the dugout to meet the team manager, TM. We'll be using initials extensively here to save space and also to protect the identity of those who might wish to remain anonymous for one or another of several reasons.)

Yo': This week a couple of former stars said that steroid use among major leaguers was "rampant". How do you respond to that?

TM(Spitting tobacco juice into a small plastic cup): What's rampant?

Yo': That means a lot of players are doing it. Using performance enhancing drugs, that is.

TM (Spitting tobacco juice into small plastic cup): Y'ask me, all of my team could USE something like that. Look at the standings - we're in last place. We're worse than the Cubs, if that's possible. Last night's game? My starting pitcher got knocked out of the box in the first, my left fielder got hit by a pitch and ran to third, and my shortstop struck out three times, last one on a pitch that was over his head and rolled out in the street. (BIG spit into little plastic cup.)

Yo': What you're saying is that your team isn't involved in any way with the use of banned substances.

TM (Momentarily spitless): My team isn't involved with anything, and if they were, I'd be the last one to know. We run this thing using the hands-off policy made famous by the late great Sparky Watts. Just roll a couple balls out on the field and see what happens. May have to change that pretty soon if they don't manage a win. My GM is gettin' a little antsy, know what I mean? The fan base seems to be shrinking. Last game was special appreciation night and only five people showed up to collect their prizes.

Yo': That's, well, pathetic! What were the prizes?

TM: (Using cup): Dang! Cup's too little. Hand me that towel there, can you? (Wiping) Let's see, where were we - Oh, the prizes. Well, that may have had something to do with the crummy turnout. The GM said that due to a deal called "exigencies" in the front office we could only afford some cheap beanies. Actually, the ones they gave out were from the national marbles championships of two years ago, and the GM spray painted over the old logos. By the way, you got any idea what a "ex-igency" is? (Finding and using new cup.)

Yo': That's when all they can come up with is teeny cups! Say, here comes a guy I'd like to interview - that one there with the big muscles and the huge veins on his arms. He walks like his legs are too big for the space allotted to them, and his hair has receded clear back to the back of his head. That one there - the one with the really bad complexion. Is he literate?

TM (Examining and employing cup): 'Course he ain't literate - he's my catcher! You know, something really interesting happened to him in the off season. Last year he was, oh, 155 or so, with a head-full of hair and skinny as anything. When he showed up this spring, he looked like this. According to him, it was all due to a good diet, lots of vitamins and plenty of time with the weights. I took his word for it, even though I never saw him lift anything heavier than a can of snuff before.

Yo': Well, as a famous native healer and practitioner of the medical arts, I can tell you what I think. I think he's a user! You see any difference in his batting this year?

TM (Disdaining cup in favor of dugout floor): Last year he was what we call a slap hitter - just get the bat out over the plate and hope the pitch makes contact. This year, he's way different. One time he came up holding five bats - scared the ump half to death. Now when he swings, there's a kind of loud 'whoosh' and the beanies fall off everyone's head in the stands. He still can't hit the ball much, but when he does it's purely something to SEE! One time, he knocked the cover off, and as the ball passed over the centerfielder, just unraveling to beat all, the ball, I mean, the guy reached up and caught the string with his bare hand! Next thing we knew, both of 'em, ball and outfielder, disappeared out of sight over the bleachers. Whooee! (Dugout floor gets another treatment.)

Yo': Don't you worry about cancer of the mouth?

TM (Peering quizzically into depths of cup): Say what?

Yo': Forget it. That's about it for my interview, and I appreciate your time. Oh by the way, I'm sending a copy of this to Bud Selig.

TM (Perplexed by empty cup): Oh, he knows about it already. The GM warned him we'd need some tougher balls. Selig just said, "Good luck", and "this oughta increase your attendance." (Discovers cup has leaked on uniform)

Yo': Has it? Increased your attendance?

TM (Musing spitlessly for a change): Not by much, but the ones who do come have a pool that keeps up their interest. They all put in ten bucks along with a date they think my catcher's liver will explode.

Yo': (Speechless)

TM: Hafta go change. Got something or other on my uniform. That's not the first time, either!

Interview concluded at three fifteen PM.